My First Foray Into Comics!

Art by Mariah McCourt, from her Masters final project, EAT. As seen on the Monstrous blog.

OMG, I’m so excited right now, I’m literally bouncing up and down in my seat!

So, over Thanksgiving weekend, I heard about and submit to an anthology project edited by the the uber-talented writer of IDW’s True Blood: All Together Now, Angel, and Illyria: Haunted, editor of The Last Unicorn, Lucifer, and Fables for Vertigo, and fellow Whedonista, Mariah McCourt. You might also know her as one of the editors of the crazy-successful Womanthology: Heroic as well as the follow-up Womanthology: Space. Well, now she’s got a new, female-focused anthology in the works…

AND I’M GOING TO BE IN IT!!

It’s called MONSTROUS, and it will be a a collection of stories exploring body image through prose, comics, poetry, and art for women and girls. For now, I know that there’ll be a crowd-sourcing campaign for it sometime in January, and that there are already several comics heavy-hitters interested in contributing! I can’t tell you how honored I am to be considered worthy enough to be a part of it.

Now, I’ve never written a comic in my life… (eek!) But in addition to being a part of an awesome project that not only utilizes female talent and speaks to an issue close to my heart (how appropriate that I get to announce my involvement just after my previous blog post!), this is exactly why I’m so excited! I finally get to delve into an art form that I’ve been dying to delve into. I love comics, and now, I get to write one. I’m so excited to be paired with an artist and dive into that relationship. The comic I write will only be about eight pages, but it’s a story I’ve been thinking about for a long time, and one that I’ll be so proud to tell.

EEEEEK!

There’ll be more news on this as time goes on, but for now I’ll just giddily say YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I Voted (Early) for Obama Because…

…well, there are many reasons. I voted for him, because he repealed Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. I voted for him, because he signed the Lilly Ledbetter Act. I voted for him because he gave the order to kill Osama bin Laden (and while, as many of you know, I’m not someone who supports the death penalty or celebrating someone’s death no matter who they are, I understand the need for the decision), which is what the entire war in Iraq was supposedly about in the first place. I voted for him because when I hear him interviewed, he speaks and reasons like a male, Harvard-educated me. A registered Democrat who’s thoughtful and moderate, values pluralism, and weighs things very carefully most of the time. Someone who genuinely values the opinions of others even when you don’t agree. But mostly…

I voted for Obama, because whenever he’s citing an example when asked about student loans, or education, or jobs, or the economy, or families, or the future, he generally uses the pronoun “she” as his go-to pronoun, because he’s always thinking about his daughters, or his wife. Women aren’t a “demographic” for him. Keeping women and girls in mind is obvious; a reflex. He does it without thinking. As a brown person with ovaries, I appreciate that. So, that’s why I voted Barack Obama in this election.

Please get out there and VOTE today if you haven’t already. I know that some of you don’t want to vote, because you believe the system is broken, but removing your voice is not going to be the thing that fixes it, and in the meantime, you’ll be allowing others to possibly make worse choices than you could’ve helped make. The system isn’t perfect, but it’s the one we have, and it requires your input to work the best way it can. So make the time to get to a polling place, even if you have to get to work late, or leave early. It’s the most important thing you have to do today.

I Like My Face.

Me right now. Without make-up. About to lay the smack-down with my words. THIS shit makes me feel confident.

You know what’s funny? When people try to make you feel better by unconsciously making you feel like crap.

Today, Miss Representation has organized a Twitter conversation with the hashtag #FreshFace focusing on the topic of make-up: why we wear it, whether we should, how the make-up industry plays on women’s insecurities to get them to buy their products, how young is too young to be wearing it, and how it makes us feel about ourselves. So, I’m writing this to participate in that conversation, because I think it’s an important one.

Okay.

Me in lipstick. No other make-up on my face. Knowing that all my face needs is a pop of color, not a complete overhaul. THIS shit makes me feel confident.

I think make-up is just fine once in a while. Make-up can bring a fancy outfit to life. Make-up can be an artistic/aesthetic statement. Make-up is a way to express yourself. It can also be oodles of fun akin to that feeling we all got as kids when we’d dress up and “play pretend.” You don’t always want to look like you. Sometimes, you want to look and feel like someone, or something, else. That’s okay. It’s normal.

The thing is, that’s exactly the thing about make-up that can make it dangerous. It’s not you. At best, it can help you express the best version of you, but it’s still just a version, and not even the one that’s the most important. Yet, there are women who’ve gotten so used to never leaving the house without make-up that they’ve stopped wearing make-up, allowing the make-up to wear them instead. Somehow, make-up stopped being fun expression and started being a crutch. Because, for some reason, our faces stopped being good enough on their own. And it has a lot to do with women getting older.

Picasso painted women who looked like me. I bet he didn’t tell them to put make-up on. THIS shit makes me feel confident.

When I was little, and wanted to wear make-up like my mother and sister, I was told that I “didn’t need make-up.” Young girls, you see, don’t “need” make-up, because young girls are just that. Young. Young girls are prized, and so a woman’s “need” for make-up increases the older she gets, because wrinkles, dark circles, and blemishes are less acceptable as a woman gets older. Apparently, no one wants to look at a woman’s wrinkled, blemished face.

Men, however, have carte blanche. They don’t have an entire industry devoted to making them cover their shit up. Wear your blemishes and dark circles and wrinkles proudly, Gentlemen! Because you can! Because you’re free to. Because no one’s going to make you feel like shit if you don’t. Enjoy that freedom, fellas. I would, if I had it. Unfortunately, I don’t.

I don’t wear make-up often. Usually, I save make-up for special occasions or dates. I don’t have an everyday, daytime “look” partly because I don’t really have the patience to devote myself to an intensive beauty regimen. I mean, I lotion up when I need to, and wear sunscreen when I know I’m going to be out in the sun for a while, and wear lip gloss when my lips are in danger of being chapped, cracked, and gross…but other than that, I leave my face alone. You know why?

Because I never really feel the need to not.

Too busy celebrating the fact that I was published in a book to worry about not wearing make-up. THIS shit makes me feel confident.

There’s plenty that I don’t like about myself (that’s another blog post entirely), but I’ve always liked my face. I’ve never really felt that I need make-up. I mean, yeah, I get annoyed by zits just as much as anyone else. And yeah, when I don’t get enough sleep, I’m not crazy about the sight of my dark circles under my eyes. But I never really feel the desperate need to cover those things up. I look at them and am like, “Ugh. Annoying. Oh, well. That’s my face.” The way I imagine most, if not all, guys do. At 33, I’ve noticed the beginning of laugh-lines around my mouth and wrinkles around my eyes, but to me, that just means that I’ve done a really good job of continuing to smile and laugh in the midst of adversity, and so I wanna wear those lines like badges of honor! When I don’t have blemishes or dark circles, I actually really like my face. I like my complexion and skin tone. I like how tan I get. And 9 times out of 10, when I look in the mirror when I leave the house, if I’ve just washed my face and thrown on some lip gloss (and have recently had my eyebrows groomed – they tend to get unruly and take over my face more than blemishes ever could!), I like what I see and don’t feel like I need to do anything else. There’s a difference between grooming and wearing make-up, and I think too many people equate the two. Grooming is about making sure you’re clean and presentable so that other people can feel comfortable around you without having to deal with a stench. Make-up simply covers up stuff that everyone gets. Stuff that only women are expected to do anything about on a regular basis.

I’ve had people gently suggest that make-up would make me look better, as if they’re breaking something to me that’s really important; something that will improve my life ten-fold if only I give it a chance. I’ll make a “better impression” on people if I wear make-up, because I’ll look more together and confident. The thing is, if I was already confident with my regular face, wouldn’t that come through anyway? If I’m fine with having my blemishes and dark circles on display, what’s it to anyone else? Why do even friends of mine feel the need to “save me from myself” by suggesting make-up? I’ve got zits sometimes. So? What have they ever done to you? Why are my skin’s imperfections so threatening to the world that the world tries so hard to make me cover them up? Who, exactly, should I be trying to impress? Men? Other women? Both, it seems, have something to say about what I put on my face, either directly or indirectly.

I’ve heard women say that they like dressing up and wearing make-up “for themselves.” But lets examine that a second. What does that actually mean? Wearing make-up makes you feel together, confident, sexy…isn’t that all about how other people see you? Because if it weren’t, why wouldn’t you just feel confident without wearing make-up? It’s not about confidence, it’s about an outward display of confidence. It’s showing off how confident you are, which is exactly the opposite of “for yourself.” There’s no such thing as sexy “for yourself” either, as the entire concept of “sexy” implies an other. And even as it makes you feel good and confident, the thing that’s making you confident is that other people will be  impressed with you. I have no problem with that, I just wish people would admit it and stop pretending it’s about something else. Is there anyone out there who wears make-up as her most comfortable option?  For whom wearing make-up is easier and more comforting than not wearing make-up?

Again, just lipstick. Nothing else on my face. A nice dress and great friends. THIS shit makes me feel confident.

I’ve heard Beyonce say that she’s more comfortable wearing stilettos now than she is in regular shoes, but that’s only because she started wearing them as a performer from a very young age, so she’s gotten really used to them. That doesn’t mean it’s natural, and it doesn’t mean that, had she not started out that way, that she wouldn’t be comfortable or confident. I’m sure a beautiful woman like Beyonce is capable of being equally confident in flats and not a stitch of make-up. Or, she should be. But from a young age, people told her “women in stilettos are hot,” and as ambitious as she is, wanting to make it in the music industry, she dressed a certain way, because she knew it’s what she “needed to do.” How sad is that? That someone as talented and naturally gorgeous as Beyonce would feel the need to wear tight outfits and high heels at 15 or 16 to “make it.” Because it’s OK to dress older so long as your face looks young. Once you actually are older, and your face dares reflect that, you’d better cover yo’ shit.

Ugh.

Women basically use make-up to cover up the deficiencies in their lives. Because if we actually did things “for ourselves,” like get enough sleep, wear proper sun protection, eat right, live as well as we can, we wouldn’t need to wear make-up “for ourselves.” Make-up is a bandage, not a cure. Maybe if we got equal pay for equal work so we could afford to live the lives we want, had men getting equal paid paternity leave so they could be free to help their girlfriends/wives with new children, and in general weren’t expected to take on double the workload for half the reward, perhaps we wouldn’t look so haggard. And perhaps, since that’s clearly not the case, we could maybe (maybe!) get a free pass on looking haggard, or having the occasional blemish or dark circle, rather than being expected to Look Nice even when our lives suck. It’s exhausting! God forbid a woman wear her difficulties on her face, a visible reminder of inequality of which no one wants to be reminded. Meanwhile, Larry King gets to look like Larry King and be married a billion times.

WHAT?!

Does make-up actually make women look more together and confident? Or does it simply make them look like they’re trying to ingratiate themselves to a society that hates them? I don’t know.

I’m starting to ramble. But as with everything, it all comes down to choice, I suppose. If you want to wear make-up, by all means, do. But don’t criticize (or try to “help”) those who don’t. They might like their faces just the way they are, and don’t need you telling them what you think is wrong with them according to some arbitrary standard of beauty that doesn’t make any sense and disproportionately affects women. What’s the purpose? So that other people will like them more? Because grown women with blemishes and dark circles and wrinkles are somehow detrimental to the balance of the universe?

Too busy celebrating my first paycheck as a writer to worry about not having make-up on. THIS shit makes me feel confident.

As for me, I’ll throw make-up on when I feel like it. I won’t when I don’t. And I’m not going to apologize for it in either instance. I like my face. And what I choose to do to it is nobody’s business but mine. And I don’t buy that the biggest problem on Earth is the fact that I have wrinkles, so I refuse to worry about it so damn much. If you don’t like my face, you don’t have to look at it, but the onus shouldn’t be on me to cover it up to your liking. No matter who you are, what job you might have to offer me, or whether or not you’d like to sleep with me.

Like me, like my face.

What Sad Starbucks Girl Asked For

Sometimes, The Teresa Jusino Experience is more sobering than I’d like it to be.

Earlier today, I tweeted from a Starbucks where I’d stopped in for a small coffee and some air conditioning:

What I gave her was my Hello Kitty Notebook Of Awesome in which I write all my notes for everything I’m working on. She had it for a while and was scribbling away furiously. For a while. It got to the point where I was thinking, Is she writing a novel?! When she finally handed me back my notebook, she was on the verge of tears, and when I opened the book, this is part of what she wrote (identity-revealing info other than her first name crossed out in blue by me):

Now, here’s the thing. I’ve been flat broke out here in L.A. myself. But today was the day I happened to have one of my freelance gigs come through with a direct deposit, so I had some cash for the first time in weeks. I was planning on going shopping myself. I really didn’t have the money to spare…

…and at the same time, I had the money to spare, you know? I know what it’s like to be down and out, but I’m lucky enough to have friends, and lucky enough to have never ever been hit. If you would’ve seen this girl’s face, you wouldn’t have been able to say no to her either.

So I agreed to get her some basic groceries, and some money added on her Metro TAP card, and we left the Starbucks together. She broke down in tears when we were outside, and my stomach was in knots. I didn’t know what else to do, so I hugged her, and I told her that she didn’t have to be embarrassed for asking for help – that all I’ve been doing since I got to L.A. has been asking for help, it seems – and that I feel like there was a reason why she sat next to me at that Starbucks. We went to Ralph’s, I gave her a dollar amount limit, and she bought some basic necessary items that’ll tide her over for the week until she starts getting her assistance.

We chatted as she shopped, and she told me about the job interviews she has next week, about what she needs to do to be able to get her son back, and she was very conscientious about staying within my predetermined spending limit, forgoing the things she wanted for the cheaper brands out of respect. I let her buy the brand name meat, though, because the cheaper stuff looked skeezy. We even laughed about stuff as she told me about her son, about home, and about how fucking expensive groceries are. After the supermarket, she thanked me profusely, and we walked to the nearby subway station so I could put some money on her card, after which I gave her another big hug and walked away. I don’t know what’ll happen to her long term, but I know that she at least has enough transportation money to get her back to her safe place, and enough food for a week’s worth of meals until she gets her assistance and (hopefully) a job.

Might she have been totally conning me? It’s possible. But the way I see it, if she was conning me that hardcore to get groceries out of me, then she really needed the gorram groceries, and at that point, it really doesn’t matter what the story is, does it?

I’m writing about this, not because I expect some big to-do about it, but because it kinda shook me up, and I wanted to record it. This is The Teresa Jusino Experience, after all. And part of that Experience is stuff like this; the random ways in which the Universe chooses to teach me things. And part of the reason for this blog is to share those things I’ve learned with you, in the hopes that it might help someone. So, here’s what I took away from this:

** I’m Wealthy In the Ways That Are Important: Objectively, I had no business buying this girl anything. I’m barely hanging on by a thread financially myself. But it took a lot of courage for her to ask help of a stranger like that. And I related to the pride she displayed in not wanting to ask out loud, to want to write it down, because she didn’t want to be seen asking for something like that in public. Under different circumstances, she could’ve been me, but I’m not burdened with those circumstances. I still have enough money to get by for the time being, and I am fortunate enough to be blessed with good people – including good, new people whom I’ve only gotten to know in the past year and yet treat me as if they’ve known me forever -  who’ve never let me fall too far. With wealth like that in my life, how can I not help someone who isn’t so fortunate as to have friends?

** When The Universe Talks, Listen: Like I said, I believe there’s a reason why this girl sat next to me at a Starbucks on the very day when my pay came through. Not only did she reinforce the idea that I’m lucky to have what I have, but she also reminded me that we can always help. No matter how down and out we are, no matter how shitty our lives may seem, one of the greatest gifts we’ve been given is the ability to help other people. It’s like a superpower we all have. There’s always something you can do. Had I not had money, I might have looked up the nearest Church and walked with her to a food pantry, or otherwise figured something else out, because what she needed – in addition to groceries – was the knowledge that someone cared. When I first hugged her, she seemed taken aback. She wasn’t expecting it, but when we hugged as I was leaving her, she initiated it, and she had a big smile on her face, because for one moment someone cared about her and so much of the time that’s all anyone really needs. And caring is something everyone can do.

So, yeah. That’s that. I wish Whitney well, and I hope she gets her son back soon. If you all have a minute, keep her in your thoughts and prayers tonight. And don’t forget how lucky you are to have what you have, and that there’s this superpower called Kindness that’s inside all of us, and that you shouldn’t let it atrophy.

**EDITED @ 8:46PM – If you’d like to help women like Whitney, here’s the link to the shelter she mentions in her note: New Image Emergency Shelter. Donate, or volunteer if you’re in the L.A. area!**

“Girls” Makes Me Sad. And That Makes Me Old. Thank God.

Pretty much how I felt watching the first episode of "Girls."

So, I finally got around to watching the first episode of the new HBO show, Girls. You know the one. The one everyone’s been either passionately defending or ripping to shreds due to issues of race, gender, and class lately. I wanted to watch it, because lately it’s become more important to me to support female-helmed and female-created work. Yes, Judd Apatow is an Executive Producer, but this is Lena Dunham’s project as she’s not only the show’s creator, writer, and star, but also the director. The show also has a mostly female cast too, which is nice.

I’m not going to get into the show’s issues with race (it’s sadly accurate, as far as I’m concerned. I’ve met women like this in New York, and despite living in one of the most diverse cities in the world, I was often the darkest person many of them hung out with). I’m also not going to talk about the show’s issues with class, though it does come off as “rich girl whining” a lot of the time.

What I want to address is the way that the show addresses a generation. The thing of it is, it’s accurate. It’s spot-on. This is, indeed, what many 20-somethings are like. However, something being accurate doesn’t necessarily make it funny or entertaining. I was surprised that, though it’s a “half-hour comedy,” I only laughed once the whole episode. (“When I look at you both, a Coldplay song plays in my heart.”) The rest of the time, I alternated between sad, angry, and bored.

I hated Hannah (played by Dunham) immediately, and cringed at both her overwhelming sense of entitlement and her out and out stupidity (I’m sorry, but internships are generally for when you’re IN college. An internship TWO YEARS AFTER college with no other job?! File that under Poor Life Choices). She made me furious. However, Hannah’s entitlement has less to do with race and class and more to do with her age and the time in which she’s grown up. 20-somethings whose parents don’t support them have this sense of entitlement. 20-somethings who aren’t white have it, too. These days, you don’t have to be rich or white to feel like the world owes you something. In that sense, we’re living in the most egalitarian time ever, as there’s plenty of equal-opportunity entitlement to go around in the United States. But as much as I hated Hannah, I also hated her parents, because I knew that they were responsible for her being this way, and when Hannah calls them out on it (Hannah’s mom calls her spoiled, and Hannah correctly responds, “Well, whose fault is that?”) it was the first time I was really on her side.

Interwoven into my anger, were pockets of sadness, as I watched the lives of these 20-somethings unfold and felt sorry for them. Aren’t we supposed to look back on our 20s fondly? Enviously, even? Aren’t we supposed to wish we could go back? Well, if my 20-something life were anything like those on this show, I’d want to high-tail it out of my twenties as quickly as possible, because there’s no way I’d ever want to live like this. It’s amazing to me how, despite their huge senses of entitlement, these characters are so willing to accept the shitty circumstances of their shitty lives without thinking they deserve better. Hannah is in a fuck-buddy relationship with some guy (played by Adam Driver) who not only doesn’t seem to like her very much, but also doesn’t seem to even enjoy fucking her all that much. So, he’s neither a buddy, nor a good fuck. Their sex scene was just depressing. Like, it wasn’t even fun casual sex. It was perfunctory. Like, “I’m X years old. I should be having sex now. Doesn’t matter who with. Doesn’t matter if I enjoy it. This is what I should be doing now.” Ugh. Double cringe. Hannah also insults me as a writer. I get the whole Calling Yourself a Writer Even Though You Haven’t Finished Much of Anything thing. I’ve totally been there. What bothered me was the fact that she’s writing a memoir. Because, apparently, the thing to do in the age of reality television and social media is to write a book about yourself. Because, at 24 (and a sheltered, entitled 24 at that) you’ve totally led a life worth reading about. Riiiiight.

Triple cringe.

Hannah’s best friend, Marnie (played by Allison Williams), admits that she doesn’t love her boyfriend and says she’s going to leave him, but when Hannah asks her about it later, she’s all “No I’m not!” I guess having someone at the ready to possibly pay rent overrides being in a bullshit relationship? There’s the “worldly” Jessa (played by Jemima Kirke), who is a total cliche and seems to revel in it, as if the lives of 20-somethings have become so meta that their very lives have to be appropriated from the lives of other characters they’ve seen on TV or in movies. And lastly, there’s Shoshanna (played by Zosia Mamet, who gets to do much better work in her role on Mad Men), whom I just wanted to shake like a rag doll every time she was on screen.

Watching these people exist just made me sad, because they’re hopeless even in their entitlement. One’s twenties are supposed to be all about hope and possibility and the world being your oyster. The characters on Girls seem to be limiting their own existences based on arbitrary criteria they pieced together from the internet. And this may be what 20-somethings do now. And this is what saddens me. When I graduated college, I immediately moved out of my parents’ apartment, because I wanted to be on my own. Despite their willingness to have me live with them until I got married (we’re Latino. It’s a thing.), citing every reason why I should (“You wouldn’t have to pay rent!” “Mommy would cook for you!” and the ever guilt-inducing “Don’t you love us anymore?”), I didn’t want to be a burden to them. I wanted to pay my own bills, provide for myself, make my way in the world on my own. It was a matter of pride. I would’ve been ashamed to rely on my parents if I didn’t have to. Please don’t take this the wrong way. One should never be too proud to ask for help if they really need it, and on occasion, even after I moved out on my own, I had to ask my parents for money here and there to get by. But they weren’t paying my rent. They weren’t buying my groceries. I was. And I was proud of that, even when times were hard, because I was living life on my own terms. Still am.

An interview with Lena Dunham made me feel a little better in that the show is knowingly depicting these characters this way. 25-year-old Dunham is consciously commenting on their attitudes and behavior, which gives me hope that not everyone in their mid-twenties is so clueless and self-involved. Girls is a well-written show that is sadly accurate, which makes it not entertaining to me. There is not one character on this show that I care to spend an extended amount of time with. Marnie comes the closest, but even she gives me trouble, and she’s not even the protagonist. I may watch another episode, I may not. It will take a lot to get me in the mood to watch more.

Does the fact that the point of view of women in their mid-twenties doesn’t resonate with me and I don’t find it funny mean that I’m officially old? Maybe. But I’m also grateful that I came of age at a time when paying one’s dues was a badge of honor, not something to try and find a shortcut around. I’m grateful that I had the drive to make my own way. I’m also grateful that I’m officially past the bullshit that comes with being in your twenties. When these ladies get a bit older, I’ll be happy to welcome them to the world of real womanhood, where sex is something you’re supposed to enjoy, you take pride in learning before doing, and you’re never afraid to ask for what you want and need – a sense of entitlement that is the product of years of experience and work rather than pop culture.

**BTW – I just realized that all the characters have the same first and last initial. Their names are Hannah Horvath, Marnie Michaels, Jessa Johansson, and Shoshanna Shapiro. Really?!

Why the “Girl” Matters: Yet Another Post About “Geek Girls” and “Gamer Girls”

This woman...

The argument comes and goes. the “Geek Girl” argument that isn’t actually one argument, but two.

• “Geek Girls are attention-seeking posers!” Vs. “No, they’re not!”
• “We shouldn’t call ourselves geek girls, because we’re segregating ourselves!” Vs. “Geek Girl is a label I wear with pride, because…”

I’m writing this to address the second argument, as that’s the one I’ve seen happening lately, particularly in gaming circles, but I can’t do that without touching on the first, because the first is the reason for the second.

...and this woman...

Bullshit Double Standards

Here’s how I feel about the first:

It’s bullshit. It’s such a bullshit, useless argument that I don’t ever want to have it again. Here’s the deal – the fact that we only have this argument in relation to women, while actors (and potential posers!) like Thomas Jane or Chris Hardwick get to start comics companies or empires built on a geek platform without their geek cred being called into question makes the whole thing bullshit. If we’re going to talk about posers vs. non-posers, fine. But that’s never how it breaks down. Chris Hardwick dresses like the tenth Doctor, and we assume that he has all this geek cred. Never mind that he could be less an actual geek and more a master marketer who is skilled at allying himself, not even with geek celebrities, but celebrities geeks like, not to promote geek culture, but to promote himself. Thomas Jane doesn’t have his geek cred questioned despite never showing any interest in comics before 2004, when he founded RAW Entertainment, perhaps only as a means to an end. Because his rough good looks belong in the realm of action and super heroes, he creates comics that can then be made into films in which he can star.

All Thomas Jane has to do to “prove his geek cred” is dress up like Jonah Hex to get a role. Film School Rejects said, “We’ve got to hand to ole’ Thomas Jane, the man has both serious geek cred and a copious amount of gravitas. The geek cred was shown off over the past few weeks when he went out of his way to dress up like Jonah Hex to show his interest in playing the part.” Really? Cosplay is all it takes? Hmm. Funny, ’cause women usually have to do more than that. Also, the fact that he had to go “out of his way” to do that means that it’s not the kind of thing he’d do normally. Just sayin’.

On the L.A. Weekly blog, Chris Hardwick’s geek cred is undeniable: “To accusations that branding and repackaging the term “nerd” waters it down or takes away his cred, Hardwick responds, “I picked all of the people I wanted to work with, and it’s sort of a weird reality come true. … It’s humble-braggy to say, but it’s true, I wake up in the morning and go, ‘I’m going to sit down with Brian Henson today and talk about the channel, then I’m going to the Weird Al shoot,’ and it still blows my mind that I get to do that … I’m the same person I was before … I still know [the Yankovic song] ‘Nature Trail to Hell’ top to bottom. … Any of those critics in the same position would pretty much do the same thing I’m doing, I think.” He adds, “We’re not trying to be anything but ourselves and do what we want to do.”

This man can undeniably walk the nerd walk — despite his MTV beginnings, most notably hosting Singled Out with Jenny McCarthy.”

Um, he knows a Weird Al song. That’s his geek cred? Yet he “can undeniably walk the nerd walk.” Despite not actually saying anything of substance in response to the question of his geek cred.

The thing is, I’m not calling their geek cred into question right now. I wouldn’t, because I don’t know them. I don’t know what they’re genuinely into, or how they grew up, or what’s in the deepest cockles of their hearts. I bring these things up to point out the ways in which the “attention-seeking” arguments could be applied to men in the same way they’re applied to, say, Olivia Munn, and yet aren’t. Both men and women seem perfectly happy to tear down someone like Munn, going so far as not wanting to watch The Newsroom, what looks like a brilliant new show from Aaron Sorkin, because she happens to be on it.

I guess when you’re a guy, using a subculture as a platform on which to build an empire is respectable. Being ambitious about your career is respectable. Olivia Munn daring to appeal to a geek audience to further her acting career is a huge sin, apparently.

...and this woman...

The “Girl” Label

So, the fact that we only ever have this discussion in relation to women makes the whole thing bullshit. But what I really wanted to address was the second point about the “geek girl” label itself. I’ve seen the term – and its sister term, “gamer girl” – get a lot of flack from women who don’t think that other women should take on these labels. On Nuyoriqueña, Chastity Irizarry writes, “I understand some feel due to the imbalance in the industry there was a need to encourage girls to feel comfortable knowing they weren’t alone. But unfortunately, these titles create the very segregation we were hoping to destroy.” On Respawn Reload, Debbie writes: “Generally speaking, if women want a better acceptance in the video game world, then stop immediately identifying yourself as a female.  I’m not encouraging anyone to try to hide who they are, but if you want it to not matter what gender you are, immediately segregating and identifying yourself as female is contradictory of your goal.”

While I understand and appreciate their sentiments, the underlying foundation of their points is shaky, because it comes from a place where the male-dominated mainstream is the default, and the ideal. Irizarry writes, “I do believe there is an imbalance in the video game industry, but we don’t change it by creating cliques who complain together. You have to be invited to the big boys’ table, and that comes with proving yourself. It should be based on merit,” as if the Big Boys’ Table is the place to which we should all aspire, rather than questioning the validity of that table being a “boys’” table in the first place, or the lack of female spaces.

Debbie says, “While women have to bat off comments like “you’re probably fat and ugly” or “go make me a sandwich”, players with many different skin tones have to defend themselves against truly hateful racial slurs.  I have on numerous occasions heard conversations in a lobby where an African American player was being targeted and told things such as “I’m going to drag you to death behind my truck” or “I’m going to hang you from a tree like a slave”.  Ladies, I love you, but being told to make someone a sandwich in no way compares to this kind of insult.  Stop complaining,” as if this were a Suffering Contest. As if racism canceled out sexism, because clearly racism is “worse.”

Both writers make the point that no one differentiates professions by gender: like doctor, lawyer, teacher…apparently forgetting that there are actors and actresses; tailors and seamstresses; and older examples of jobs that used to have gendered titles, like “stewardess” becoming “flight attendant” when men decided it was an OK job for them to do, or “firemen” becoming “fire fighter” after women joined the profession. There’s a huge precedent for this. While I’m not saying it’s right, I am saying that to say that this is inappropriate usage because it’s limited to the geek world is just factually wrong.

However, highlighting how often gendered terms for professions are used demonstrates how powerful a term like “geek girl” or “gamer girl” actually is.

Labels Allow For Specific Needs to Be Met

Let’s take “actors” and “actresses,” for example. Back in the day, women weren’t allowed on stage, and so there were only actors. The term “actress” had to come about because once women joined the theater, they came with their own distinct set of issues and concerns that needed to be addressed separately in a profession so inherently intimate. Dressing areas, sleeping quarters while touring, appropriate vs. inappropriate touch for better or worse are all valid concerns where gender is the deciding factor. Creating the gender-specific term allows for the separate category that allows unique concerns to be addressed. It’s like declaring your race and gender on the US Census. You can’t get the resources specific to you and your community if you aren’t identified and counted.

...are all on the same team.

We Don’t Punish Arsonists By Burning Their Houses Down: What Equality Isn’t, and the Importance of Gender-Specific Spaces

Equality doesn’t mean exactly equal treatment. You wouldn’t market tampons to men any more than you would market jock straps to women, and yet both genders deserve to have access to whatever they need to keep their junk in order. That’s equality. Equality means equal consideration, equal respect, and equal treatment under the law, particularly where circumstances are the same (ie: a man and a woman holding the same job should receive the same pay). It doesn’t mean denying there’s a difference.

Men and women are not exactly the same, nor should we try to be. We have a lot to gain and learn from each other’s differences, and a shared geek space can be where we do that. But the notion that in order for women to have “made it” as geeks, or anything else, they have to join the male sphere doesn’t sit well with me. No one ever says to men, “Hey, the only way you’ll ever be truly valid as a person is if you join the world of women.” Why is the reverse so acceptable? I agree that we need to share a space – we’re sharing a planet, after all – but I reject the idea that the male space and the mainstream shared space are one and the same. A shared space that takes both genders into account equally is what we should strive for, but this doesn’t mean that we need to eliminate an all-male sphere or an all-female sphere, because there are ways in which we grow and things we can learn by being surrounded by a supportive network of people of our own gender.

My friend Alex and some of his male friends have this thing every year called Meat Fest, where they basically go out for steak and scotch in a very manly fashion. Now, I love steak, and I love scotch, and as Alex is my “brother from another mother,” I thought he’d think me a sufficient enough “bro” to be able to go to Meat Fest. When I asked, he said no. I thought he was kidding. He was serious. And even though I gave up on asking after a while, I was a bit hurt.

I know you don’t want women there, but I’m not one of “those” women! I can totally hang with you! I’m a guy’s girl!

And just as quickly as the thought came, I realized the horrible flaws in my thinking. First, sometimes men wanna hang out with other men. It has nothing to do with how they feel about women, but with how they feel about men. Men see being with other men as an advantage. A respite. A situation in which they can relax with people to whom they don’t have to explain themselves. Women often have Girls’ Nights, where they can just let loose and be themselves around people to whom they don’t have to explain themselves. The sad difference is that men don’t see their male spaces as inferior to the mainstream, because they are the mainstream. Women see their spaces as inferior, because it’s not where the power is. It’s seen as Mainstream Lite. Fine in small bursts of femininity, but not sustainable, because there’s no future in it. And so many of the ambitious ones, the ones who would build their own security and fend for themselves think that being accepted into the male sphere will allow them to do so, not realizing that by leaving their sisters behind they’re doing themselves harm, bringing down their own worth as women by engaging in the same blanket patronizing of their own gender in which men too often engage.

The only way the mainstream shared space can be a truly equal one is if both sides equally value their gendered spaces. Men are already there, and it’s why they control everything. It’s why, despite being out in greater numbers than ever before, geek girls continue to feel slighted. We feel slighted, because we rely on male acceptance rather than our own; rather than seeing the value in each other and helping each other onward and upward, creating our own successes on our own terms outside the male-dominated mainstream, if need be. There are more of us, after all. If we all prioritized investing in and purchasing female-created comics, or went to see female-helmed films, or otherwise supported female endeavors, we’d have the financial security we need and the geek community we want. Men see “guy time” as a benefit. Many women see “girl time” as a consolation prize. That makes me sad.

Or, they SHOULD be anyway...

I Will Not Throw Other Women Under the Bus

Here’s the second flaw in my feelings about being denied steak and scotch. I didn’t want the guys to think I was one of “those” girls. Whatever that means. So, not only was I trying to ingratiate myself to the boys, but I was perfectly willing in that instant to throw other women under the bus based on criteria that I didn’t create. It’s why I’m now conflicted about supporting stuff like International House of Geek’s Kimmie Britt’s video entry to the Maxim Gamer Girl contest. Rather than simply being the kind of girl she wanted to see represented as Maxim‘s Gamer Girl and convincing us why she IS the best thing for Maxim (for the record, I’d love to see that, too, and I voted for her), she makes it all about what she isn’t, creating a “me vs. them” vibe. She makes a point of saying “I’m not going to show my tits and ass.” Well, good for her! She shouldn’t have to! Yet, it sounds like she’s taking the onus off of magazines like Maxim who use women’s bodies to sell copies, and placing it solely on the women who do what they need to do to get ahead. A wise pimp once said, “Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.” But seriously, I don’t think its helpful to misplace blame. A woman can choose or not to participate in something like Maxim. That’s her individual prerogative, and there are certainly alternate ways in which to pursue success.  But the problem isn’t with her. The problem is in the media forcing women to choose between being successful and having a certain level of integrity. I think we should all remember who the real “enemy” is. (Hint: it isn’t each other)

Listen, I’ve done this, too. Don’t get me wrong. I’m writing this, in part, to keep myself in check and be more aware of doing this. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to not think in a way that tears other women down for doing what they need to do. I will not comment on what a woman wears. It has nothing to do with her mental ability or her actual geek cred. I will not comment on a woman’s looks, because beauty and intelligence are not mutually exclusive, and people are attracted to many different types. There’s no such thing as universally attractive. The media perpetuates that myth, because it allows them to sell the most product with a minimal amount of effort. Having a narrow view of beauty means less models to hire, less commercials to film. The beauty standard the media has created is for their benefit, not ours. I will not hold a woman’s looks, history, or choices against her. And if I’m ever creating something, and have the power to do so, I will prioritize working with and hiring talented women that can get the job done.

Let me be clear. This is not about ignoring men, or hating them, or anything like that. Being pro-woman doesn’t mean being anti-man. I shouldn’t even have to say that, but some people can’t keep those two ideas separate. This is about women supporting each other being a priority. It’s about the fact that terms like “geek girl” and “gamer girl” are powerful, because they show our very specific presence, one that shouldn’t be erased or overlooked in the mainstream geek space. The terms allow us to address issues that are of concern to us – like seeing ourselves accurately portrayed in the art we consume, for example. But more than that, it’s about creating a community for ourselves. The male sphere is not the be-all and end-all, nor should we treat it as such. Men don’t worry that women won’t like what they create, because they know other men will buy it.

If only women could be as secure in each other. I think we can be. I think things like Geek Girl Con, Geek Girls Create, and female networks like The League of Extraordinary Ladies are positive steps toward that, but we should do more. I embrace the “geek girl” label, because I believe in the power we can wield if we work together. There’s no one way to be a geek girl any more than there’s any one way to be a feminist, but embracing each other under the broad category despite our differences can go a long way in allowing us to make real change in the geek community as a group rather than constantly being seen as a bunch of fighting cats.

It’s funny, but I feel about women the way 2Pac felt about the black community:

“First ship ‘em dope & let ‘em deal to brothers.
Give ‘em guns, step back, and watch ‘em kill each other.
“It’s time to fight back”, that’s what Huey said.
2 shots in the dark now Huey’s dead.
I got love for my brother, but we can never go nowhere
unless we share with each other. We gotta start makin’ changes.
Learn to see me as a brother ‘stead of 2 distant strangers.”

And now, I leave the discussion to you! Comment below! I’d love to hear what people think.

*shout-out to the geek girls I know (online or IRL) whose photos I used here! *big hugs*

#MenCallMeThings

I love Twitter, not just because I’m a social media junkie (though I sorta am), but because it’s so often on the pulse of important goings-on in the world. Yesterday, writer Sady Doyle started a hashtag that’s since been covered in The Guardian in the UK and Time Magazine here in The States. A hashtag with the purpose of highlighting the fact that female writers, particularly when they write about feminism or address inequality in any way, suffer the most vitriolic, violent, and hateful criticism online.

#MenCallMeThings

I first caught wind of it today, when artist Molly Crabapple posted about it, and it forced me to think about whether I’d been on the receiving end of such things. And I have. While I thankfully have never been threatened the way many other women have, I have been insulted and have had men try to undermine my intelligence online by being condescending. The article where they really started coming out of the woodwork was my piece called “Moffat’s Women: Amy and Her Skirt.” Here are some of the highlights:

“What an over reaction…the whole 5th season had Rory being treated quite poorly and Amy tried to cheat  on him more than once with the Doctor….and that’s acceptable to you apparently as humour?…just don’t mention her skirt. Sigh.”- Jessie1977

[NOTE: Notice how this person - who I'm assuming is male, because most women who disagree about stuff like this mention that they're female - ignores the point of my article by bringing in other stuff that I'm not even talking about?]

“Meh. I think you’re looking for an injustice where none exists….If you expect a gender bias, or an orientation bias, or a racial bias, or whatever kind of bias you prefer to stalwartly defend against, then you can usually find it.” -  BenPatient

[NOTE: Notice how the onus is put on the person looking for injustice, rather than on the injustice found. So, if I found it, that means I made it up? It's not real? It's all in my head? I'm crazy?]

“To make a big deal out of nothing. This is how it’s done.” - Tesse

[NOTE: Dismissing even the discussion about the fact that I was bothered by, yes, a small, but telling thing.]

“I once had an argument with a so-called feminist friend of mine who claimed that she wanted a huge engagement ring and a man SHOULD be wealthy enough to “look after her”… and yet she would tell men not to hold doors for her, or pull out chairs because she could “do it herself”. I told her she can’t have it both ways. You can’t pick and choose chivalry, that’s not how it works. I had a friend who’s fiance broke up with him because the ring he could afford, was too small. Seriously. There is a HUGE world of things to get upset over when it comes to the battle of the sexes, but a line on Doctor Who is NOT one of them.

As to what Moffat feels about BOTH sexes. Do yourselves a favour and find the 4 seasons of COUPLING that he wrote with his wife, as they illustrate ALL the stuff that BOTH men and women do wrong in propogating steroetypes about each other. It’s a two-way street that often I find women don’t want to look down their own side at. As is evidenced by my above-mentioned friend who has never forgiven me for showing her logic.” – Jessie1977 (again!)

[NOTE: Um, "she can't have it both ways?" Really? So, she either has to be TOTALLY dependent or TOTALLY self-sufficient and there's no inbetween? I'd hardly call that "logic." Also, once again, trying to derail my argument by bringing things into it that I'm not talking about! Also, the fact that he had to "show" his female friend "logic" kills me! And incidentally, I HAVE  seen Coupling, and while I enjoy it, it's also the most entrenched-in-gender-bias show I've ever seen, so bringing that in as an example, probably not a good idea.]

“This has to be one of the silliest arguments about one of the most innocuous jokes on the interwebs…Good Lord, people, Doctor Who is one of the most progressive shows on television. Let’s loosen up a bit. And as someone who works with domestic violence shelters and rape victims, I find these accusations of DW being part of a ‘rape culture’ highly offensive. Making those kinds of accusations about a show like this put the credibility of the accusers in question. But that’s just my opinion.” – GeekToMe

[NOTE: There's no "injustice contest" going on! I wasn't trying to equate disparity in how female characters are portrayed on television with domestic violence and rape! Merely calling it out as being another symptom of the same problem - that women are not deemed as important as men. I love how this guy, because he works with domestic violence shelters - which is, indeed, admirable - thinks that qualifies him to dictate what women should or shouldn't be upset about with regard to sexism. That's the most backwards notion of "feminism" I've ever seen.]

“I guess if you wish to support the ‘supporting rape culture’ argument — which I was calling commenters out on, not you — then I guess I have to point to the fact that by posting the vids you are helping propegate said culture. I find a bit of irony in that. Again, this is the silliest. Argument. Ever.” – GeekToMe

[NOTE: As if my posting them in this one article was the thing that was the tipping point. So, by that logic, his advice is to either not talk about it at all - because merely mentioning these things that upset me will make the problem worse. OR, talk about it without showing the videos. In which case, I leave myself open for someone else to come along and try to discredit what I'm saying by saying that I haven't provided any evidence or backed up my claims sufficiently. I can't win, it seems. No matter what I do, I propagate the thing I'm against. So I should just shut up. Right? Also, the argument might be "silly" to you, because it doesn't AFFECT you. It always seems "silly" when people "make a stink" about something that doesn't hurt you.]

“Look, It’s REALLY easy. If this scene had been reversed and Rory was ripped and muscled and took his shirt off distracting Amy…what do you think the Doctor would have done/said? Better yet what would ANYONE have done or said? Would he have said “Amy, get your crap together and stop oggling Rory, look what you did to the TARDIS”? Gods no, that’s not even remotely realistic. What he’d say is:

“Rory, put your shirt back on, you’re distractingPond”

There’s no point in trying to argue that…it’s what he would have said. So I fail to see how you think poorly of the line when Amy bears that brunt, when if it happened to Rory I’m sure it would be fine with you…at least according to your Harkness/Trope on head idea…haha!

But for some bizarre reason I am sure the feminist inside of you would find some other way to take issue with even that. So it seems you are bound and determined to label Moffat sexist or at least thathe made sexist comments. I hope he reads this and sees how very backwards you see the world.” – Jessie1977 (he’s a genius, no?)

[NOTE: Oh, you're right! It IS really easy! Thank you, kind sir, for teaching me how to use my brain! Except that he's clearly deluded. If the roles WERE reversed in this case, it's more likely than not that Amy would've gotten reprimanded as a silly little oversexed girl. But REGARDLESS of what would happen if the situation were hypothetically reversed, my point is that it WASN'T reversed. That THIS happened, and THIS was what upset me, and I find it really interesting that he couldn't stay on topic, but insisted on bringing in all these other examples that had nothing to do with anything, and was clearly upset enough about my having an opinion to keep coming back with the same tired comments over and over to tell me how clearly stupid I am. And they say WOMEN are too emotional! ]

“I’m confused on why, “Pond…put some trousers on,” is not okay but flipping that with Jack is okay. Seems like a double standard to me. Sexism is sexism, is it not?” – AsheSaoirse

“Also, as a believer in equality, I still don’t see how a joke can be oppressive and sexist when applied to women yet funny and provocative when applied to men. If we really are equal, it should be funny or offensive either way. Turning an offence on its head can be an effective provocation, but it’s still offensive.” - Atrus

[NOTE: This is another interesting thing I've noticed. Guys suddenly care about the sexism they receive only when women bring up being upset about what they face. Do you know why they only bring it up then, and not at any other time? Do you know why "masculism" isn't a movement? Because the "sexism they face" doesn't affect them in their day to day lives, that's why. They live blissfully unaware of sexism until a woman complains about what she deals with EVERY DAY, then have the nerve to say "but I'm a victim of it, too!" First, no you're not. And second, so that makes it okay?! Because you're a "victim" and don't mention it, you expect women to do the same? Suddenly guys believe in "Total Equality" when they're called on their shit, skipping right over the part where they have to take responsibility for their actions, or deal with the same in kind. Let's make this journey to "Total Equality" as simple and painless and as comfortable for us as possible, shall we? Because we don't like being made uncomfortable! WAAAAAH! *calls waaaaaambulance*]

There’s more at the Tor post, but it’s more of the same. You can scroll through the comments if you want. However, there was apparently a comment that was worse that I never saw because it was deleted by one of my diligent Tor editors who then wrote to Jessie1977:

“Jessie1977 @77, not currently visible: Jessie, do you want to try rephrasing that in terms of the fiction, rather than the character of the author of the entry, or do you want me to let the first version stand but disemvowel those bits? It’s your choice.” - tnh, Moderator

I was thankful she did that, and glad I never saw what Jessie1977 said that was so bad tnh deleted it! Jessie1977 then accused her of being biased, and that what he said wasn’t that bad, and that this is some sort of evil feminist conspiracy, or somesuch nonsense. He then hits me a couple of paragraphs down with this:

“In my eyes (for a while now actually) I just think you are a feminist trying to get a point across without actually knowing what you are talking about. Your viewpoints are tilted in a way that makes you less able to opine about “sexism” and more inclined to male-bash from a feminist standpoint. A truly balanced idea about sexism wouldn’t condone it in any way shape or form and would see an equality across the board. “Levelling the playing field” in art and media would actually have the opposite affect of what you profess it would. It would not “balance” things out at all. It is a petty revenge tactic plain and simple. The fact that you don’t see that makes me feel sad that you were even given the quarter in which to express such a clearly lopsided opinion.” – Jessie1977

[NOTE: see my note above about guys being "above" dealing with the nitty gritty of fixing the problems of sexism in the media by saying that women should just act as if it already exists, and that the reality will follow.]

And that’s all just from the comments on ONE ARTICLE.

My articles at Tor continue to take the representation of women in media into account, and that doesn’t sit too well with one of my readers, publishedauthors, who was so upset that his comment was deleted from one of my posts that he came to comment on my blog. He says:

“I’ve read everyone of your reviews and whether each one gets a good review hinges on the treatment of the women in the episode. I knew as soon as Amy was put upon by The Doctor you wouldn’t like the episode. It’s fine to want a stronge female character in the story but your pattern suggests you have a fixation on this, a fixation that needs to be addressed. I would suggest therapy. A television review is not the proper venue for you grind an axe.” – publishedauthors, in reference to my Tor review of “The God Complex”

[NOTE: Sooooo, reviews are supposed to be critical without criticizing the things we think are wrong? How does that work? Also, continuing to mention a problem that continues being a problem is apparently reason for therapy. Good to know. I wonder what this reader does deem the proper venue for criticism other than a piece of criticism...]

What gets me is that the mere bringing up of instances of sexism is enough to make men not only comment once to tell me how stupid I am, but to keep coming back to do it over and over again, despite the fact that I’m flat out telling them that I was offended. The response is never “Sorry you were offended,” but always “You shouldn’t have been offended.” Or, “you’re overreacting and stupid for being offended.”

Why is that always the knee-jerk reaction when a woman speaks up?

And really, that’s what all the comments above – and at the post – boil down to. Apparently, I’m stupid, illogical, emotional, and my opinion is worthless. Apparently, I don’t have the right to be upset about the things I see, because that would be overreacting. Apparently, all men are totally into gender equality, so we shouldn’t bring it up anymore, because there isn’t actually a problem, and we’re crazy for thinking otherwise. OR, we should only bring it up if there’s broken bones and blood involved, because sexism only matters as far as violence, and not the million and one societal things that allow for that violence. (It’s sending aid to foreign countries only when they’re starving, but caring very little about how they got that way in the first place, and whether or not we’re in any way to blame.)

Lastly, and I see this in the reaction to the #MenCallMeThings hashtag, a lot of guys seem to be getting offended by the hashtag because it “implies that ALL men feel that way or say stupid things.” No it doesn’t. What it isn’t implying, but flat out saying, is that it is ONLY men that say these things. Granted, there are many women who think that feminists make a big deal out of nothing, too, but they’re not generally the ones on the internet leaving vitriol for women writers that dare bring up feminism in what they write. So, the people who criticize the hashtag do so in the interest of not “alienating” men, or making them feel bad. You know what? As my good friend Eileen once told me, Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it! Perhaps instead of sheltering men from being made uncomfortable, we should demand – not ask – that they put their money where their mouths are and become more vocal if they are, indeed, not the men that make those hateful comments online. Keep your brothers in check, Gentlemen! Rather than criticizing us for making you feel bad, acknowledge that we have a reason to be upset and help! I would say “Be a man!”, but that statement is sexist. Instead, I will say, “Be a fucking adult!”

Guys, I know it’s difficult. You might be seen as a “pussy” or a “pansy” by your bros for speaking out on behalf of women. Here’s the thing. THIS is how sexism affects you! It’s forcing YOU to not act when you see something happening that you clearly know is wrong! It’s making YOU change your behavior to adhere to some arbitrary notion of what you’re supposed to be! Sexism controls how YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE. It’s not just a problem for women. It’s a problem for you, too.

And “being nice” just isn’t cutting it anymore. I’m tired of being nice about it.

China Mieville Is A Poser!

Too hot to be a geek?

I’m writing to rant about something that’s been bothering me for a long time. I hate it when hot guys say that they’re into geeky stuff just to get in on what’s popular, or to get attention. Take China Mieville for instance.

Right. You expect me to believe that someone that hot has the foggiest notion of what it’s like to be picked on as a kid? You expect me to believe that someone who looks like this:

…knows anything about alienation or the need to hide in fantasy? I suppose you expect me to believe that a hot guy like that is also smart, right?

Pffft.

What annoys me most is the earrings. I mean, it’s clear that he’s doing that to make himself look “non-conformist” and “alienated.”  Check out this picture of him in glasses:

It’s as if he’s trying to say “Hey, look at me! I’m a nerd just like you!”

*gag*

Or how about this one?

Like, “Look! I write about squid. I’m totally down with geeks and steampunk and all that stuff!”

Oh, please. Why don’t you go back to the GQ photo spread you crawled out of, and leave geekery to those who know what they’re talking about.

See how stupid that sounds?

______________________________________________

From Patton Oswalt’s ridiculous Wired article about “the death of geek culture” to posts like this one at The Flickcast (enjoy the web hits I’m giving you. I hope people go there only to see how wrong your article is first-hand), we’ve been bombarded lately with “real” geeks criticizing other geeks for not being geeky enough.

For the love of God (or the Wormhole aliens), stop it.

I am sick of women needing to jump through hoops in order to prove their geek cred in a way men hardly ever have to. As Kristen McHugh points out in her eloquent blog post on the subject, an attractive male celebrity can simply say he likes Star Wars, and people fill in the blanks, assuming a knowledge that may or may not be there. Meanwhile, an attractive female celebrity who says she likes Star Wars has to take three written tests and a driving exam to “prove it.”

I am sick of geekiness being determined by how attractive one is/isn’t according to the mainstream media. A male friend of mine recently said that he doesn’t consider Chris Hardwick a “real geek”, because he’s so attractive and is an actor, so his nerdiness doesn’t count, because it doesn’t come from a “real place.” Um, I’m sorry, but anyone who was at the recent Doctor Who screening in NYC, at which Hardwick moderated the Q&A with the cast and crew, knows how much of a geek he is. His geekiness is palpable.

The fact is, if you are a geek, and you’re segregating yourself from others based on what they look like, you are not only doing the stories you love a grave disservice, but you are being a hypocrite, because you felt slighted in high school, and now want to treat the world the same way. Just stop.

Like Ghandi said, “Be the geek-friendliness you want to see in the world.” OK, maybe Ghandi wasn’t talking about geekery at all, but the point is still valid. You don’t want people judging your geekiness? Don’t judge someone else’s. Sounds pretty simple. Isn’t, apparently.

CONFESSION:

I’ve never read China Mieville before, though I’ve heard his name all over the place. I reluctantly decided to look him up one day a couple of months ago, because I kept hearing that he was someone I should be reading. I say reluctantly, because I’m not really a squid/Lovecraft/steampunk kind of a girl, and that’s the impression I got of his work. I’m more of a spaceships/other planets/alien civilizations kind of a girl.

Then, I saw that he was hot. Suddenly, I was interested.

So, while I don’t judge a book by its cover, I sometimes judge a book by its author photo. I don’t know what that says or doesn’t say about me, but I will say that my interest in Mieville’s work started because of people’s recommendations. The fact that he’s hot just makes me really excited about going to his readings. Also, while his other work seemed not to be my thing (though The City and The City seems pretty close), his latest novel, Embassytown, has aliens, an alien language, a female protagonist, space travel…

It’s as if he was saying, “OK, Teresa, if you agree to read something of mine, I promise to write something you’ll like.”

I guess the moral of this story is, judging something by its looks is only cool if it makes you love something. Not if it makes you tear something (or someone) down. And certainly not if that’s all you’re doing. Mieville is brilliant and political, in addition to being ridiculously tappable, and these are all good things.

I guess I’m waiting for a time when people can look at a beautiful woman in the same way, realizing that beauty and substance aren’t mutually exclusive.

THIS. IS NOT. OKAY.

I still have a long-overdue Gallifrey One post to write, as well as a post about the Whedonistas panel/signing in L.A. (oh, and by the way, there’s a Whedonistas reading in BROOKLYN on Monday. Tell a friend) But it is Women’s History Month (and was recently International Women’s Day), and I came across something today that made me so fucking angry. Whenever anyone tells me that women have come so far that stuff like Women’s History Month and International Women’s Day are “unnecessary”, I think about stuff like what I’m about to talk to you about, and want to punch them in the face.

(**PLEASE NOTE – this post is about rape. Trigger warnings, etc. Also, it’s primarily about rape committed by men against women. However, I’m well aware, sadly, that rape happens amongst gay and lesbian couples, and that straight men have been rape victims as well. Rape in any and all of its forms is an unacceptable form of violence, no matter who the victim. What I’m writing about below, though, is more about “rape culture” with regard to women, and about it being generally OK and accepted that women be victims.)

Noah Cyrus, Miley's little sister. There have been several blog posts about how her mother shouldn't let her dress this way. Yeah, pedophiles and perverts aren't the problem. THEY don't need to change. SHE does.

This little girl IS NOT “ASKING FOR IT.”

I’ll repeat that again so there’s no confusion.

THIS LITTLE GIRL IS NOT “ASKING FOR IT.”

I don’t care that she’s got make-up on. I don’t care that her outfit is “suggestive.” THAT. DOESN’T. MATTER.  Her being dressed like this does not give anyone – ANYONE – the right to lay a hand on her. Period. End of story.

Though, apparently, that’s not the end of the story. Because what seems like common sense to me, and should seem like common sense to you, isn’t, in fact, common. I came across this blog post at Shakesville about an article from the New York Times on Tuesday. The article is reporting on an 11 year old girl in Texas who was raped by a group of eighteen young men and teenage boys. Sounds horrific, right? You’d think the article would be totally on the girl’s side.

And yet, it’s not.

The Shakesville blog post does a great job of breaking down the New York Times article and how it relates to rape culture, so you should definitely check that out. While I was appalled by the concern of the article with what would “draw” those men and boys to do something like this (um, something made them rape an 11 year old girl?), the effect on the community (um, how about the effect on the 11 year old who got RAPED?!), and the fact that those men and boys are going to have to “live with” what they did for the rest of their lives (um, that 11 year old girl is going to have to live with BEING RAPED BY 18 PEOPLE FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!), the thing that makes me angriest is this total non sequitur in the article:

Residents in the neighborhood where the abandoned trailer stands — known as the Quarters — said the victim had been visiting various friends there for months. They said she dressed older than her age, wearing makeup and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her 20s. She would hang out with teenage boys at a playground, some said.

“Where was her mother? What was her mother thinking?” said Ms. Harrison, one of a handful of neighbors who would speak on the record. “How can you have an 11-year-old child missing down in the Quarters?”

This made me want to vomit. An 11 year old girl is raped, and the New York Times – supposedly a paper of record – deems it necessary to include the opinions of the people in the community with regard to the girl’s “lifestyle?!” Why? What is the purpose of these two paragraphs? What does this add to the article? What are they supposed to do?

They’re there to make an 11 year old rape victim and her mother look bad, that’s what.

And if not, what’s the reason? What the hell does it matter that she “dressed older than her age?” What does it matter that she wore make-up and hung out with older boys? And what about her mother? Why ask about her mother first? Oh, right. Because it’s only mothers who do the child-rearing, and it’s up to mothers to make sure their children have morals and values. That’s “women’s work.” Fathers are only expected to bring home paychecks, apparently. Except when children do exceptionally well. Then, they come from a “solid family.” A kid “goes wrong,” and it’s “where was his/her mother?”

This girl's not "asking for it" either.

Why is the onus of rape always on women and girls?

Well, obviously the men and boys did something wrong, I can hear some of you start to say – people I know and love, which makes me nauseous – but in addition to that, you can’t have a girl leave the house like that/dress like that/wear that make-up/go to certain places/hang out with boys late at night. If she does, she’s just asking for trouble.

NO. SHE. IS. NOT. And fuck you for saying so. Seriously, I’m sick of it. And if this makes you “feel bad,” good.

The fact that people of BOTH GENDERS are generally OK with letting rape be the woman’s or girl’s fault, OK with figuring out what the woman or girl can do to prevent stuff like this from happening to her, and OK with giving men a free pass for rape – which is essentially what you’re doing when you think Well, you know men. They can’t control themselves. So it’s up to women to make sure we don’t walk around tempting them, otherwise what do you expect? – MAKES ME CRAZY.

THIS. IS NOT. OKAY.

Men rule the planet and control all the wealth? Great. Then why don’t we expect them to take responsibility for their fucking actions? They can run governments, start wars, own corporations, and have societies divided into chunks marked by their last names, but they can’t be expected to control their own penises?!

Think about it like this: every time you tell your daughter that she can’t “wear that” because of “the message it sends,” you are letting a girl get raped.  I know, that’s the exact opposite effect you were going for. But by expressing and perpetuating the thought that girls have to control themselves and rein themselves in because boys can’t, you’re creating a world in which it’s okay, even expected, for a boy to rape a girl. It is your fault.

And the sad example of this 11 year old girl is an extreme (and she’s not at an age where she can consent anyway, even if she did, which she didn’t), but what I’m saying holds true for older girls. It holds true for women. Whether they’re raped by one man, or several; whether they’re attacked in the cliched “dark alley”, or attacked in a living room by someone they know; whether they say “No!” outright, or they’re in the middle of having sex, express a desire to stop, and their partner doesn’t let them. It is never OK to force someone to have sex with you. Ever. No matter what they’re wearing, or what you think they want. If they’re telling you to stop, that’s what you follow. It’s not open to interpretation.

What’s interesting, is that there are so many Patriotic Americans out there who think that it’s just horrible what’s being done to women in Other Countries. Who see things like head scarves as oppressive to women, because they force women to cover themselves so that men won’t be tempted. These Patriotic Americans look at the Middle East or India or South America and shake their heads at how women are treated. I ask these Patriotic Americans to look at how women are treated in their own fucking backyard, then look at themselves in the mirror to ask themselves what the fuck they’re going to do about it.

Why Men Carry the Heavy Shit.

When helping Adam move his stuff out of The Revolving Door Commune, after helping to load the truck at our house, I was asked to watch the truck on the other end as Adam, his dad, Zach, and Jeramy carried all of Adam’s things up the five flights of stairs to his new place.  At first, I felt bad.  I watched as the guys got progressively more sweaty and winded as they hauled things out of the truck and into the building.  I thought about offering to alternate with any one of them.  I’m a sturdy girl.  I helped load the truck, after all, and I’m capable of carrying a pretty heavy load on my own.  Earlier, when loading the truck, I kept asking what needed to be moved, ready and able to help with any of the big pieces, and asking if help was needed when I heard struggling with a bed, or a desk.  To their credit, the guys had it covered.  However, when Adam originally asked for my help, he framed it in such a way that he, his father, and Zach would carry the heavy things, and Lindsay and I would help with the lighter boxes.  I thought that was odd, since my father and I had moved me into this place, and I carried the heavy stuff as well as the light.  I expected to be of more use. Yet, whenever I offered to help with something large, I got no response.  Either they didn’t hear me, or they didn’t see the point in switching one of them out with me when carrying heavy things.

Then, I was assigned truck-watching duty on the other end of the move, and after I felt guilty about not helping, I got miffed about “not being allowed” to help.  I was insulted, because I didn’t want to be seen as incapable.

But as I sit here today with menstrual cramps eating away at my insides, watching a Little House on the Prairie marathon, a thought occurred to me that made me realize I had it all wrong.

I realized that women are constantly in pain.  Like, ALL THE TIME.  This shouldn’t be news to any of you, but for those of you who didn’t pay attention in Health Class, or Biology, women get their periods every month.  That means that once a month, they experience a kind of pain that you can’t really understand unless you’ve experienced it.  The closest way I can think to explain it is to say that it’s as if a gremlin – not Gizmo, but his fed-after-midnight brethren – were sleeping in the middle of your body, and once a month, that gremlin wakes up and starts gnawing on your entrails for a day or two.  What’s more, the gremlin has decided it doesn’t like where anything is arranged, so it’s pulling on everything at once, putting pressure on your lower back and making that hurt.  So, while this gremlin is wreaking havoc on your insides, you’re expected to suck it up.  Why? Because it happens EVERY MONTH.  The novelty wore off sometime around the time you were, like, thirteen, and no one cares anymore about your complaining.  Not fellow women, who know the drill and are bored with it themselves; and certainly not men, who are vaguely frightened and/or annoyed by the whole enterprise.  So we take pills to ease the pain and spend a day or two in agony.  And for what?

So that, at some undetermined point, we can push an 8 pound human being out of our genitals.  Yay?

So basically, every single time you look at a woman, there’s a 1 or 2 in 30 chance that she’s in excruciating pain and just not saying anything about it. And it’s all for the pleasure of having her body hijacked for 9 months to push out an entire human being in another fit of pain.

So I’ve been thinking about this all wrong.  Just because a woman CAN carry heavy things – and we can – doesn’t mean we SHOULD.  So, no.  I DON’T feel bad about not carrying heavy boxes when I don’t have to, because I spend a good chunk of my life in excruciating pain.  You know what, guys?  YOU can carry the heavy shit.  Does this make me some kind of a bad feminist?  Maybe.  But I don’t care.  What I DO care about is getting my hands on some ice cream or chocolate, PRONTO.